*for those that are here for more than just my nudity* here ..

*for those that are here for more than just my nudity* here are my thoughts: i've been listening to podcast episodes every day on spotify to help me process the cyber bullying i've experienced since my return to full time sex work this year. it's knocked me down to the point of feeling breath taking anxiety when opening social apps like telegram, tiktok, twitter... last night i switched off my phone and put it on the highest shelf in my house and today is a no phone (and no TV) day. so far today has involved stretching, writing, reading, singing, playing ukulele and listening to podcasts. i still feel anxious but i know i have a lot to process and i know i've made it through worse. i experienced severe cyber bullying in high school. it was near the beginning of social media when "pixo" and "bebo" were the main platforms. i was largely disliked in my first high school because of my self confidence. i was bought up to love myself, to know my beauty and i had strong opinions which made me "popular" at first but the second i showed vulnerability i had a large portion of my small school turn against me. there were multiple online pages and groups made dedicated to hating me. it became so severe i ended up being physically attacked by a group of people and had to move to a new school. i have always known my experience of bullying is what has shaped my life and lead me into this career path. when i moved schools i wanted to become two things - 1) a lawyer so i could sue my school for not helping me more and 2) a famous glamour model so i could get on reality shows and the front cover of magazines as a big "fuck you! look at me now!" to the bullies i realise now that social media triggers (and comforts) a lot from the past. the validation with likes, followers, comments... but also the way bullying (or publicly shaming) is still so acceptable and overlooked especially if it's coming from someone "popular" (with followers). i also realise i have done my part to shame others when i shouldn't have. even as a "conscious creator" i have publicly shamed people for holding an opinion that isn't my own when i didn't need to. i know i was thinking that by doing this i am educating others but really there are ways to educate people without dragging someone else through some mud to get there. presenting yourself to thousands of people every day is not natural and i believe we need more people to talk about it. i would love to know the true impacts of being followed by thousands on social media for the last ten years and i'm sure many would. what if instagram, tiktok, twitter, reddit, facebook, etc. was all deleted at midnight tonight... how would your life look? are you connected and comforted in the physical world as much as you are the online world? if you've been following me a while you know i love to encourage questions that help you deeper understand yourself. i'm very passionate about self improvement and i strongly encourage moments of reflection like this. wishing you all a beautiful sunday with love, fenella