The truth is that we kind of suck with each other but I thin..

The truth is that we kind of suck with each other but I think we’re both also too insecure to leave one another. 🫠 Showing up is enough on the lonely nights but also not enough at the same time. He offered to beat up the racist at the park that made me cry which made me feel safer. I asked him not to because I want him to focus on finishing school and I want him to have a clean record so he has an easy time getting his 9-5 company job when he graduates college. Even if we don’t end up together. I’d love to see him happy and healthy even if it’s not with me. I don’t have any dating apps right now and I don’t think I’m mentally prepared to go on any dating sites or apps. I wouldn’t want to dive into the dating pool when I’m not able to present my best self. Id be okay with my pictures being used for research, promo or networking purposes, but I’d like to focus on myself for now. I’m rather picky and anti-social from my past experiences. He hasn’t been watching porn which has been helping him come back to reality I think and he’s been able to get some nice hard ons on occasion. I dated an ex that was a sex addict… and that was definitely too much. That dude sucked and it was scary. Like I was “wife number 2” and he tried to get a wife number 3 when wife 1 and 2 was deeply unsatisfied. I can handle a porn addict, I don’t want anything to do with a sex addict. 🤣 If I had to choose between a sex addict and a porn addict, I’d definitely rather be with a porn addict. Although, ideally I’m not dating any kind of addict. (This includes nicotine, caffeine, energy drinks, adrenaline, substances, work, meds, social media etc.) (I’m not perfect, I’m working on my stuff, too.) Every day I see other creators in the DMs or on the feed doing all the wild stuff making millions (allegedly) sleeping with strangers raw and threesomes and stuff but I don’t really have it in me to be that wild and playful. Also, I scare him. He’s scared to help me in case I end up leaving and hu rting him becoming a super star in this industry. But him not helping me enough is only pushing me to edge to become that. I don’t want to hurt anybody. I just want to make enough to have a house with a yard and if I’m lucky maybe even have a family one day. I’ve had a lot of enjoyable conversations being here for people today. My favorite ones are actually the deep, depressing and emotional touch ones cuz I do a lot of releasing that here, too. LOL. I heard some new music today that was really good. I think they were from 80’s, 90’s. They don’t make music like they used to, I feel like. Or they don’t air it on music stations anyways. Feel free to come by if you ever need an ear or supporting word. Or to share some really good songs. Ily! #cindymoon #diary